tonight i trudged forth to my toilet and back and found myself missing the moments i knew you'd be in the dark waiting for me before we snuggled our way back into a soft sleep. and in that moment i wondered if you could walk your house without thinking of me; if you think of me or miss me at all? i'd love to think yes but i'm inclined to think, no. after all it seems many things were just thought out by myself. remember the picture i took of us snuggled up with lucky? even then, your feelings had changed. something so suffocating to you. perhaps when i took a breath of relief, it took a punch in your lung.

i feel so stupid for a well guarded person to even let you into my heart and ultimately my home. had i taken you as family too fast, and for granted? guess the answer is yes. i let myself be weak so you could feel needed. i let that be an fatal attack against myself in the very end.

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” saw this from my anniversary post to you. called you a sole-mate because you really were. because i saw love as a choice. to consistently and constantly choose someone despite their flaws, despite feelings changing. of course feelings will change. everything changes. what is left is what you choose. i chose love and i still choose love. but what have i gotten out of it?

i hope she makes you happy & secure.