& that's it yknow? went from complete grief to an utter sense of loss. you think i don't know but i do. imagine spending 2 years sleeping beside a person who just one day decided to not commit anymore, as if you never had to give up anything for this relationship. as if the grass isn't always greener on the other side. imagine telling someone how much you are willing to do and/or make it work all along and they took it as you victimising yourself, completely missing the point. where did your all your soft and gentle go? we all know it. but you don't think i do. imagine knowing how fast my smell has probably been replaced. at least i'm glad now that you hardly came over; at least your smell wouldn't have to linger. at least i wouldn't have to spend countless nights thinking what i did wrong without feeling like you're just escaping a fact that we all know about. "come up with a 1001 excuses to cover up the fact he is not willing to admit he _______" something i realised only on the day itself you were so so defensive about, and had so many excuses for, except you think i didn't know.

& even at when i was blatantly lied to in the face, i still have so much good to remember about you. which the same probably cannot be said about me. even if the messages were all about my struggles, so were yours, except mine didn't drip with the resentment that you don't fit me, you're tiring to be with, you're holding me back, you're suffocating me. one of the saddest thing i've learnt from this is really nothing is impossible. you could literally spend your whole life chanting you will never do X, Y, Z, how it is completely unforgivable, how much you abhor it - yet wound up doing it. that someone who expected this much out of you because you'd do the same for them is not always an accurate phrase. remember you were once so afraid i'd do it? i was never, because i really trusted you. "did i expect too much?" rings familiar; i spent so much time always wondering why i did so little, why i missed that out, why why why why why why why why... but i've learnt if someone disagrees with you as a person, they give up compromising. people are inherently selfish and i was foolish to think otherwise. if i knew that would be the last night, perhaps i would have asked your grandparents at the altar to continue to take better care of you. you'd never know of all the times i silently talked to them whenever you met with struggles. who would have known? i'd never known i could one day speak to tablets, believing they could hear me. after all in your house, i always felt 人在做，你家人在看. and today i can still stand firm and say i did right by you throughout the whole relationship. that if all the moths in your house were your grandparents like your parents believe, they will know just how much i was willing to do. at the end of the day, be it feelings change... or a change of heart... you never spoke to me about it until it spilled over, unable to contain your resentment. i know you tried hard. i know. you could have spoke to me about it, we could have tried to start over, we could have tried to start anew but i realised no matter how hard you tried on your own (to try and fix something that concerns us both), you woke up one day and weren't afraid to lose me anymore.