the wishbone in my back has slowly weaved its crossroads into a backbone -

you have proven me right more than once unknowingly;

except this time i do not ache and i not flinch. the blanket sighs as it lands on me softly and i no longer feel the warmth from phantom limbs. the catch here is still: i do not ache and i do not flinch. you can be selfish without being cruel and the latter speaks volumes about anyone as a person. repugnance once grown, only grows.

one night he burrowed his furry head into my embrace and his gentle snores reminded me of my own heartbeat. everything is perfect in that moment and i sigh the same way a blanket does before it envelops you in its warmth. not a sigh of despair nor a sigh of relief - it was a sigh of letting go of all the weight i'd never realised i refused to simply put down. 

morning light creaks in and i am reminded of light leaks on my photographs. i instantly remember the night i basked in onerepublic. the night apologize came on after let's hurt tonight. the night i felt the stars aligned and everything was just right. i remember i have already felt alright. i remember what it's like to be in tune with my own energy. i am here and i am here to stay. i do not ache and i do not flinch.

there are no joyful summers, wonderful springs or even graceful autumns when i look back. 

this is all the hard parts of winter: the icicles, the bitter cold, shrivelled vines. everything but soft, white snow in all its purity. when i look back, the word sophistry rings repeatedly like a recess bell: consistent and shrill. ever heard of cognitive dissonance? it suddenly hits me that you've been described as 'flaky' once, much to my dismay - the same cannot be said now for various actions that seal this fate. i do not ache and i do not flinch. for i have so much to revel in. for in my daydreams now something thaws and i catch an unfamiliar curve hang off my cheek. an almost forgotten curve, and i am reminded once again: there is simply no ache.

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yesterday i wandered around (and also sat still) for hours on end just to listen to a busker perform. the busker had the perfect voice for my favourite song and so i stuck around waiting for it to come on; it never did and many asked "why don't you just request for it?" and i think of how i first properly listened to passenger's seat by death cab for cutie: lying on a road in the middle of night, in the middle of what seemed like nowhere in chiangmai whilst watching the stars. what i want is what comes naturally.

what i learnt is: love does not ask for what it does not have. 

what i also learnt: i am not a lesson to be learnt.