ah yes, things are slowly getting better.

my appetite is back, HELLO CAI FAN, BAN MIAN AND salty food!!!!
i can actually sleep (and find myself finding it hard to get out for bed work)
i actually have the mood to send funny links in group chats again
my bed does not feel so much bigger than it already is
i put on shoes and went running after a long time

i can't wait to swim
and despite all these little things i can do, there are still small things that i cannot:
there are so many pieces of clothing i'm not even sparing a second look because i used to bring them over so much. i can't even touch my portable laundry bag even though there are 2 sets of clothes inside i wish i could don... it's much easier to just pretend it isn't there.

my phone is lagging so painfully but i can't get myself to transfer pictures into my computer because i cannot look at our photos without asking why. why would you wake up at 5am to have breakfast with me if your feelings truly changed? if they say 情人后是家人 haven't we technically reached a higher level?

i had pizza with my dentist and co-nurses yesterday. mmmm so yummerz. the cheese hit me rudely, some cheeses are really acquired taste. then i remembered how the last time this exact situation happened i sent you pictures. we went for a father's day dinner after. oh.

my face is slowly reappearing on my instagram stories. probably the number 1 indicator that i am surviving. all i can remember is how i used to send the same selfies to jia and you. now i only send them to jia. and maybe that's why it's on my stories. it's the only place for my selfies now.

my dad asked me how is your uber. guess my mum is not a snitch and he doesn't know. i had to try so hard to escape this conversation because i am so tired from work. today is the 7th consecutive day of full shifts... numb.

i received my own design in the mailbox: the cpf brochure. i was so happy and then i wondered if you'd be proud of me? or if you even remembered the things i told you about it when i was designing it during intern. i told vannie and facebook in the end.

i am still trying to live with the fact that even if things remind of you, maybe except the things at home nothing reminds you of me. ah, how happy is the blameless vestal's lot. you think i am angry with her because i think you cheated. no. i am disgusted with her because even if there was no cheating, she lacked the basic sensitivity to handle situations like this. who is she, going to someone's (on a timeout with his/her partner)'s house? if guys didn't get it, it's just mildly annoying because they won't ever get it, like how they will never get what's the fuss about having nothing to wear; but you as a girl? girl pls don't say it's because you guys "needed support from one another" you "care about him" and you were "fucking sad". sad go find your own friends? or see a shrink? are you sure he needed your support? I was inclined to spare a thought for your feelings, i was; but where was your concern for my feelings when you did such things knowing full well you guys were "going through similar situations" aka losing feelings? i can hardly care if you were single for a long time or for a few days, but within the few days we separated you took the chance to tell him you like him and date him. what, love hit you like a fucking truck? what you were doing is plain sneaky because intentions to date someone don't surface in 3-4 days. you can say hey technically I lost feelings from months ago too!1!1!1 then don't act like your life is ruined when people come to assumptions based on what you are posting. i'm not even talking about internet strangers - it's your own close friends that realised you kicked your certain someone out of your account just to flood it with his face. it's them who were like omg didn't she just officially become single days ago? if you weren't being such a snek you wouldn't need to privatise your accounts that people have been asking me about (as if I know why right lol), afterall if you didn't do it why are you so affected? and I know you're saying, wouldn't you feel horrible if your friends doubted you? sure it feels bad. but if I didn't do it i don't find it necessary to explain again and again and again even after they said ok just asking/wanted to know/let you clear the air; if I did that would I be convincing my friend, or convincing myself? you swore to them you guys are good friends now when you two are dating. gross. added with the fact that he told me you were the one who told him you liked him? wow. 人格有问题。maybe there IS a reason why he isn't hiding anything even now? it is apparent between the two of you who is more afraid of tongues wagging and as for why? he's right - he dated you after we broke up. even I can't contest that. you? didn't you do the same? then why so triggered pls. well. time will tell. we are all girls come on. am I expecting too much from a stranger? if anything you should know better considering the industry you are in. human feelings and relationships are so delicate and this just shows me you're incapable of handling them with care or sensitivity - undoubtedly needed in your career if you continue in this industry. of ALL kinds of people, how can you possibly not know?

& after writing all these I am just so glad this chapter of my life is over. we are all so tired. i am too tired. now we can all move on - after all we both ended on a good note. maybe thanks to you we got to end well twice. here is the only and last nice thing I have to say to a snek like you, so thank you.