i just really needed somewhere to let it all out and i guess these days this space is the only place i have left; so here goes. many think people deconvert to enjoy 'worldly' pleasures without guilt but really what they do not see is how nerve racking it actually is - especially at this point in my life where i already feel like nobody knows/understands me when i speak it is not at all comforting to know that the only omniscient being i believe in... is just not real. that there's no 'greater plan' out there, no divine being sitting miles away beyond outer space that 'knows' what i am going through, no one that understands me so thoroughly because he crafted my soul. it legit feels like i am alone in the universe, that is also, turned upside down at the moment because i decided to read more into my faith in order to defend/justify it, only to fall out of it. also really sick of this course it is draining me out. happiness is so short lived these days. at least i laughed till my tummy ached and had someone to cuddle with last night. oh well. sigh