//and i'm on my way to believing

1240am: listening to The Only Exception, Not Like the Movies and i feel very strangely... at ease. I haven't written anything in here for the longest of times simply because i've gotten more uncomfortable with people reading what i write over the years... and i've no idea why. This applies even for written assignments and presentations and it feels like i just want to swallow everything i write up once it is discovered by people.. idk. 

if anything, i've been feeling extremely lucky as of late; things that used to bother me are a puzzle to me now; i'm confused as to why and how i could let the same minor issues or things that could-have-been bother me for years; while at the same time fully recognising that dwelling on just causes unnecessary and completely avoidable sadness. coupled with the fact that it is over and no amount of thinking could salvage or create another probable ending. perhaps i'm a self-obsessed and slightly masochistic, or just sentimental sucker. i can't even date back when i started to doubt my own choices, or make choices knowing they are detrimental and settling for it, because i thought i deserved that little. anyway, this year has been really odd in the way that i seemed to just... let go of many things i always grabbed very (again, unnecessarily) ((childish, childish...)) tightly on to and doing/attempting things i always insisted/persisted i wouldn't - not that it is 100% a horrible thing. 

i haven't been this close or vulnerable to any human for a long time and even at some point in time could have sworn almost gave up on this whole idea/concept/thing entirely. last year was magical because i very fortunately met very unexpectedly important people and also chanced upon music that just changed everything - i'd never have taken the steps that led me here otherwise. cold, double deckered buses on a rainy night will never bother me as much, and evenings at the beaches don't make my heart twinge as hard anymore. you never fall in love the same way twice they say, i guess it's the stubborn hold we often have on ideas* of people/things; because ideas are insusceptible to decay - and because this (false optimism) is so much easier to hold onto. maybe the reason why people think they will never believe again is because they're looking for the exact feeling they used to get from a first encounter, a crush, an old lover, a past uncertainty; which will never happen twice. maybe, i'm just saying maybe. maybe i've been stubborn about all the wrong things all these (wasted) years when this stubbornness could have been used in better ways. like striving to be happier. or working harder. or scrubbing the chocolate stains completely off from my favourite tote bag.

the most confusing moment i had recently was when i realised all the songs in my playlist that i used to listen to excessively are irrelevant out of a sudden; simply because i'm happier (w0w what a word how cheesy and cliche am i?!1?!) this unsettles me a little because the songs i hold closest don't seem to make sense anymore and it is actually superbly disorientating. but i guess i still gained more than i lost and sometimes i still catch myself questioning myself if this is real life and not part of my imagination. it's hard to believe in anything (or yourself, even) in a world so cynical nowadays, with everyone doubting and second guessing every decision you make - whether or not you put your life out there online or not. whatever it is, it's been very refreshing to be finally able to give, and even more so when you discover old bookmarks of things that you used hope would be relatable in the future ^_^ on a side note, in all these 6/7 years that The Only Exception has been #1 on my most played playlist in all of my past and present devices - my favourite song basically - it has never sounded as positive and hopeful as it does right now.

to you: you render me quite speechless on how you've been nothing but incredible and sweet towards me, and it makes me wonder how i got so lucky very often. we met but never spoke, with us working in the same office. we never even spoke to one another because we never landed the same location for a photoshoot, until i met you (+ your clique) ((it's funny how we are all acquainted now and even go for suppers that are always filled with smiles now)) outside at bomb's. it's strange how of all the empty seats around we will both choose to sit directly beside bomb's, even stranger how just because i felt a surge of friendliness and said hi, we are in each other's lives now. we never even worked together or had lunch together with the colleagues (initially) and in all honesty i cannot for the life of me remember when we first spoke at work. even when we became friends things never got complicated or heavy... and here we are now. i don't know how you did it or what was it you said that made me decide this plunge was going to be worth it but thank you for being in my life, and thank you for making life a lot more exciting to live through. they say timing is important but i guess we both will never know for sure when the switch exactly clicked, but i've witnessed all your (though often neglected at times in the past by me omfg) efforts all this while and i just feel so... grateful. that you found something in me worth going for at all. that you stuck around and through my uncertainties and indecisiveness. that for some reason i have a sunshine effect in your life and you are willing to squeeze your schedule to fit me, instead of squeezing me into your schedule. and despite being paitao-ed by me at least 3 times and wasting your precious book out timings (which was only on saturday then), you still checked on me occasionally. again, despite the fact that sometimes i took 12h to reply you. for checking on me when you notice random floods of hate on askfm directed at me. for calling even when you are dead beat on weekdays, for always, always going the extra mile for me. (eg. rescuing me from holland village wth) people question, is it just because i'm comfortable with you, instead of being in love with, since i always fervently said 'no' to such ~things~; but who is to decide these two factors cannot coexist? for one, i'm definitely sure i am not just "comfortable" simply for the fact that we met probably 1/2 times per month and used to sometimes go weeks without talking; the sense of familiarity just doesn't seem to make sense or fit into this. so thank you for being such a reliable shoulder i know i can always turn to (and for now, your shoulder is home to me) for someone who is good at almost everything he does, thank you for believing in my capabilities that i don't see and always supporting/encouraging me. the patience you have for me is hopefully, here to stay because i think i'm a wilful lil shit who will certainly need it, HAHAHA. thank you for being silly with me or in front of me just to make me laugh. no one is as irritating as you, but at the same time no one makes me laugh like you do. you don't necessarily give me the butterflies in my stomach that they always romanticize, but you give me a horrible ache in there from all the hearty laughing. i will never know what kind of good karma i managed to accumulate that ended up in us. mostly,  i hope to be able make you laugh, and your life easier to bear esp now that you are serving the nation. what we have is simple, and while it may get complicated, i'll put in my best to kick difficult out of the equation :* but please for the love of God, (and i don't care,) you have to be the one responsible for killing all the cockroaches we will encounter.

i'm holding very (new and) different things and values close to my heart this year, and i'm not quite sure yet why this is so and if this is correct; but for now it just seems right to me that i continue with what my gut instinct tells me. maybe what needs to change is how i still clam up and retreat whenever something upsets (note: not anger) me and make myself feel even worse in the process. my jaws are always locked when communication is absolutely necessary to avoid a budding conflict, even though i have probably thought of all the things i want to say... but not say it because i also think of all the points that could be refuted and defeat myself... with my own overthinking. speaking of anger, it's been getting increasingly easy for me to swell with anger because of people who don't utilise their brain before they act/speak and i need a whole lot patience and maybe yoga to not explode WEW. thankfully i don't meet these vapid or disappointing people often. just more often since `14 lmao. well well weEeEll. whatever it is, i'm glad, and i'm satisfied, and i refuse to let anything bring me down for the time being. 

here's to nights with heavy hearts no more