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life has been work and boatloads of essays, not that i hate where i am considering how i am in a much better place compared to months ago. it still feels weird receiving instagram dms going "i am so glad you are happy again"; senders range from old school friends to tumblr friends i made eons ago, who are halfway round the world. feels rather strange that people do in fact realise my change of moods from just... social media (tbh yes i had passive aggressive stories but that was in june 2017 so..) ((how? i'm thinking the colours of my pictures))

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no idea where this post is going (as with my life), but most of my mornings start with a lazy stretch. shower. try not to wear the same outfit. where are my keys again? leave the house, bounce to my songs. the smell of the office carpet hits me rudely and i scurry to my seat. the carpet smells of month-old takeaways. cai fan. fish soup. somebody's perfume. essential oils. vocalise good morning greetings in a tone so full of sunshine that my own ears hurt a little. unlock all my lockers, set my thinkpad up - reach my hands into one of the 3 huge bags of instant coffee i have and shuffle my fingers around until they settle on one packet. wonder when my manager is going to top up the espresso machine? sleepily walk to the pantry with my coffee cup and tumbler, make my morning cuppa and fill my tumbler up with ridiculously hot water. the aroma of my cuppa surrounds the cubicles and my fellow coffee-addict colleague perks up. smiles are exchanged. the day begins.

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tumble; the other day i said tumble is a softer earthquake. tumble is a clumsier skipping stone. joko reminded me poetry could be a line or two. reminded me poetry could be a word, a number if i wanted it to be. why did you stop writing? i think maybe my words turned ugly and vile. maybe i am still trying to relearn how to write (unapologetically) about joy.

months ago i declared my life was just a series of unfortunate events - my bad karma unveiling itself, rolling out incident by incident. months later i feel like i have paid back my karmic debts in full. 从此以后，过去就像一阵风的飘过了。

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the day ends.

it ends with gusto at 5.30pm. i tread lightly and the bounce is apparent in my steps while i make my way to the toilet. i exit the washroom with a fresh coat of lipstick and the trail of my perfume floats back to my desk with me. denzel catches a whiff and gives a knowing smirk. dinner plans... dinner date. i wave goodbye and thank my colleagues for the day and the sunset feels as warm as my cheeks - warmth from the smile hanging off my face. good evening.

it ends with a sigh at 7.30pm. another day the papers seem to fall on my desk endlessly like dust. i close my thinkpad with an audible groan, but quickly swallow it because both ladies near me hardly go home before 9pm. the locker doors feels as heavy as my footsteps and home at once feels too far away. i lock everything up and slump back into the seat, bound by inertia and i use my final few minutes in the office leeching off the wifi to scroll through people's front reels on instagram. i open telegram and finally reply the usuals properly - the ohhhhs, LOL, HAHAHAHA and wait ahs appear too much from 9am-5pm. i missed you. how was your day? i bid goodbye to them and remind them not to go back too late. good bye.

it ends with a 3 seconds long yawn at 8.30pm. using the momentum gained throughout the workday to complete my schoolwork and study; i lugged my macbook and textbook to work already anyway. i print materials, busily highlight and scribble down notes while listening to classroom recordings. i've missed 2 classes due to flu, 1 due to OT and another simply because i forgot. thank goodness attendance is not compulsory to start with. thank goodness i can still catch up in my work. i make myself my third cuppa of the day and meet my manager as i am about to reach the pantry. why so late? oh study? ah good good go go! thank goodness most of all, for this. i am truly more lucky than unlucky. good day, good day.

it ends with cries of desperations but mostly hearty and breathless laughters at 11.30pm. denz and zy are probably covering for jessie and ly; we break out in high school musical, jay chou and jj lin songs amidst the utter chaos which is the work we cannot finish. things are infinitely more bearable with good company. i learn how to do things better and new things despite how we all look like we are just fooling around. we share stories, each time increasingly personal ones. cold chinese jokes flood the round table every few hours. shucks ken won't get this! she'll roll her eyes pls guise. we underestimate the importance of knowing how to have fun while getting things done. i am grateful my stomach now hurts from laughter and not from meals i physically could not swallow just a few months back. we claim our free cabs back and bid each other goodbye with annoyance. ugh. see you again in 6 hours, i am seriously so sick of y'all. tired smiles surface anyway. goodnight.

the day ends.

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