"i love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow" remember this?
it was 5 months ago. what are words?
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recently i haven't been able to get over how auntie told me she really loved me with tears in her eyes. i don't know why i can't get it out of mind. i can still hear her voice and feel her teardrops like i know she felt mine. i realised you could really grow to love a mother (a pair of parents even) that is not even in the slightest related you.
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while reading eileen's blog that she so kindly passed down to me,
i realised i am not alone in this. i am not the only one facing this at 20.
i can do it, i can do it. i read everything as the years passed.
i will figure it out. i will. i know i will.
if only you'd give me time
like he did her.

and in reading it i also realised how similar we are -
that is if blogs are really a reflection of our innermost feelings.
is that why she repeatedly and so kindly told me that my best qualities are:
being so happy and cheerful? that i should never lose this part of me?
because i saw the same line in a post way back from 2007.
and almost every other few years.

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i spoke to your best friend and was surprised he thought the same as i.
ah, he's an intj he said. it must be the Ni function. a lot more introspective when it comes to emotions.
most surprisingly, he brought up the intj topic even before i could think of even bringing 'entj' up.
"and sometimes we think we want this change but few years later we hate it lol humans are so complicated"
"but a lot of ppl change a lot in  their twenties it's really hard to predict or say"
"maybe there should be a mix of compatibility and compromise"
"sometimes, it might just be he unsure of what he is feeling"
"maybe it's an NTJ problem"


a mix of compatibility and compromise.
that was it. it summed up everything i want to tell you but i know you won't see at the moment. perhaps you'd take it from people you respect if they told you this straight. perhaps you will realise months later, or years.. or perhaps never. i wish you would.