this is it

This is it. This is it.
This is the moment i have been yearning for since... as long as i could remember. This is what i daydream about every afternoon, every waking moment. This is the moment i thought i would never arrive at. This is the end-all moment for me. This is really it; and yet like most things we yearn for (ha, like growing up), when the moment hits............. radio silence. Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing felt. Numb. No pins and needles even - a weird sense of calm sweeps over, and yet it is not... tranquil enough to be described as so. Could it be indifference?  The fear of feeling happy prematurely? Just in case it is too early to tell, or even say anything? I have no answer. Perhaps once your intuition fails you that one time, you never trust it anymore, but again, what is following your intuition anyway? It is illogical and laughable to the majority who are hard-headed, logical, unfailing in their decisions. Where do you go, and how do you go forth in a world you feel you are so incompatible with?

I would be lying if i said i am unafraid of not being able to get into university. While it is true that education should be about wanting to discover, to genuinely learn instead of doing it 'for the sake of doing it', 'for a degree', 'to give into societal pressure', it is really easier said than done. Could i live without going to university? Sure. Could i live with a lower starting pay? Sure. Could i live with doing part-time jobs as a full-time job because i cannot qualify for any other? Sure. At least for now i think i could live with it. Could i live with doing what i currently do as a career? Sure..ly no. No thank you really. Could i suck it up? No. Could i suck it up that i landed myself here? No. Could i guarantee i would get into uni if i didn't choose this route? No... but the chances are significantly a bit higher. Could i suck it up that i was ~supposed~ to somehow end up in uni, but by a bad stroke of luck (my own hands, really), i couldn't? No. This is what it boils down to. This is what i think i should have had. A privilege i wanted to enjoy. Almost an entitlement, for all the years of education i received in the ~better~ schools (or so they say). Perhaps i never stopped being bitter despite countless refutations. Despite acknowledging every school is a good school and that it is okay to not have a degree, i cannot find it in me to actually do it.

There is half of me who agrees whoever works hard enough will catch up eventually, but the other half also knows that i could have had a foot ahead. Half of me knows that these are all labels and that education is not everything and yet, the other half screams at me, reminding me of the last time i thought like this: when i decided to go to poly just to prove education is not everything, that everyone can end up in university anyway, just one year later. Oh boy how wrong was i, huh. Hahaha. I am pretty sure the only thing that happened in the last 3 years is the death of the optimist inside of me. I have grown so.. skeptical. Half of me knows my worth and intellect is not based so loosely on a piece of paper we are expected to chase, on a rat race i never wanted part of; and yet the other half of me cannot help but feel that i am just... behind. Behind where i am supposed to be (as if there is a timeline for anything at all) ((as if time weren't just a concept)). Despite knowing full well of the existence of late-bloomers, of how there is no timeline for anything, of how everyone has and is in their own timezone and how perfectly okay that is, i cannot help but feel that i am not just in a different timezone. It feels like i'm in another realm in itself, out of sight. Oh what a melodramatic soul, i can hear you say, but really; i'm stuck with a niche diploma which i want nothing to do with, what do i have left?

i don't know where i am going with this.
i don't know where i am going at all.

i don't think i ever felt so incompatible with this society.
what is it that they really want? the ability to overcome, or simply the willingness to be exploited?
why do i let my definition of success be predefined by the puritanical 'straight As local U' singaporean philosophy?

Perhaps after months and months of wishing i never woke up, wishing i could fall into an eternal slumber every time i closed my eyes, hoping for an apocalypse..... this was not what i was expecting. As if i was expecting anything pleasant at all. Much as i whine (as people would say) ((but if i were allowed to defend myself, i would say i am trying to figure out what really is my problem by reexamining my feelings and thoughts over and over)), i know i will continue to tread on the road ahead no matter how meaningless it is to me.......is this really.... it?

maybe all i need is a trip.
a sky full of stars. butt on the cold ground. chirping of crickets. chiangrai.
but would it mean the same for me, without god?
without capital G, god?

maybe all i needed was a whiff of fresh air. maybe all i need to do is go outdoors.
if i could do life all over again, i wish i was born in iceland. not here, never here.