This post is going to sound so bitter and salty but these loose thoughts need to be released so i stop harbouring them. So ya la if you don't like me or hate me then don't read this post la ok it's just me whining and complaining. It's been 2 days since and i still haven't gotten regret out of these bones? I'm half angry half sad but mostly angry. Angry at myself -_-"
Everyone has their own reasons for their choices, and most of the time it's logical or even noble (eg. i chose design because it's my passion/life long dream i've been in love with it since i was 7 years old yadablablabla). Bravery even; but tbh i've thought it over long and hard and the ONLY reason why i chose this route was to run away from my problems. To just escape math and science forever, as if that would set my life on a straight path. To be fair i was scared off too; who would dare to move forward on a route everybody else deemed you couldn't do for sure? "If your math is bad, just don't go" "Math is the easiest subject there leh" "You cannot even do math you want to go jc meh? Sure die la" and these are coming from people who are now going to make their ways into NTU at the very least. And for people who had math as lousy as mine but stricter parents? Same; they're going to NTU at the very least too. If anything, i feel more stuck than ever - like i set myself up to be left behind. I feel so stupid for being scared off because i was bad in ONE subject and good (good enough, anyway) in 4 other subjects. For some reason my fear triumphed and now i'm stuck in a course i've very little love for lol?????????????????? and the only way to really succeed in this industry is to actually have BURNING HOT INFINITE passion. Which i don't and i am pretty sure i NEVER will. Which is why i regret everything.
Of course there's no point harping on this now that i'm only a year away from graduating. However, like what i read from Xiaxue before,
"Now when people ask me whether I am in Poly or Uni, I can merely say Poly - and they nod, like they totally expected me to be a Poly girl, because I do not seem like the JC type. Not that Poly is an embarrassment, but if people used it as a yardstick for my worth, then I wanna say I could have gone into Uni anytime I wanted.
But I cannot say that, because there is no proof.
Isn't it so very sad? My value as a person, only judged by a piece of paper. A very average piece of paper, may I add. An average piece of paper which I have not even bothered to collect from SP after my graduation.
I feel indignant, exasperated, and resentful. I am no mediocre 20 yr old.
On the other hand, the possibilities based on a decision are so vast that it is almost impossible to predict. For instance, if I were in Uni I would just be an average Law student, or maybe a Biz student.
Or even worse, failed my As and is still retaking it now and ending up in Arts and Social Science or Engineering.
I shall end this bitter blog entry with a gentle reminder to myself that I should listen to my mother's advice in future. "Du shu hao," she used to tell me. "Girl, you got the talent to study, then make use of it, don't keep playing."
To all the young kids reading this, make sure you go into JC if you can." HOW COME I READ THIS BEFORE STILL GO POLY wtf.
Mediocre at best, lol. Then again what proof do i have that i *actually* have some intellectual worth? None. Not like my course even helps since it's usually for the special snowflakes who somehow cannot survive through ~academic classes~. Lol @ my entire life thus far. I feel like i threw away my parents hard work away if anything - enrolled me in St Hilda's to get on a good start, moved on to Anglican High which is pretty decent; then i rolled their efforts DOWNHILL. TPJC is literally 15 mins away from me if i didn't want to travel to VJC. Yet i chose the TP out of jc. Lol good bye. Now i can only strive on and hope by pure hard work and a LOT of luck i will make it into NTU's English. Or History. Ideally Sociology. lmao and these are the worst case scenarios for my very own peers.
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