``

“I am complicated.

half of my poems

are warning people not to get close to me

and the other half

are begging them to come near.

I am not simple.

I am not the kind of person you fall in love with.

Please, love me.

//

Sometimes I think that everyplace we went together is ruined now. I can’t go to the park or the movies or that taco bell anymore, because your shadow still lingers there. I remember the night you begged me to stay and I wondered what you looked like screaming at your computer screen, so far away. Maybe this makes me the worst person ever, but I don’t regret breaking your heart. I don’t regret sending you away when you couldn’t keep your hands off of me.

You’re somewhere in Georgia or California and you probably hate me as much as I hate my passenger seat and the way it smelled after you sat in it. You probably hate me for letting you go just as much as I hate myself for letting you hold me.

I grew my hair out to the length you had it when we broke up and I want to shave it all off, just so I don’t have to see you in my mirror every morning.

I wish we had met in Pompeii right before Vesuvius erupted, destroying everything nearby. I wish we had met right before Hurricane Ivan came to Florida and destroyed homes and businesses. I wish we had met under the ocean or in the great night sky, so all once we were over,

once we were through,

everything we ever knew, every place we ever went, 

would be gone. 

We wouldn’t have to remember each other,

we could just forget and one day pass each other in the Metro 

like nothing every happened, like we never happened.

//

I am a compulsive liar. 

I did not love you when you touched that place on my arm last week and told me you liked it when I wear lavender.

I did not cry myself to sleep last night because life doesn’t seem worth living, when I am living it alone.

I did not wish to strip myself of my own skin when those boys at school told me I was ugly, that I would never be loved in return.

I did not love you when you told me all about her and how I would find someone day, too.

I did not feel empty when they left, because they did not mean anything to me.

I did not love you last week, last month, last year.

I did not love you at all.

I do not love you now.

I swear I am not a compulsive liar.

\\

i once read that if you have faith

as small as a mustard seed

you can move mountains,

and from that day forward

i decided

i was going to have faith.

i tried faith in all things,

faith in the hope the birds sing early in the 

morning

and i tried having faith in the way the ocean always comes back to the sandy shore

and i tried having faith in the way my feet trip over everything i see

and i tried having faith in the love of a friend

and i tried having faith in the love of a stranger

and i tried having faith in jesus and the

way i was taught he always loved,

but no mountains ever moved.

but what if i am the mountain?

and my faith was not large enough because i expected everything else

to move

on command

what if i am the mountain?

and i sat down

and just hoped things would get better in this world.

and i am the mountain that tried singing a song of hope

like those birds outside my window

but i choked on my own words

and i am the mountain that tried going back everytime i was pushed away

but i kept getting pushed away again 

and again

and i am the mountain that trips

but does not stand back up

and i am the mountain that tried loving

but forgot how to give everything

but my faith in 

myself

has grown tremendously,

maybe even to the size of a mustard seed

and i am moving,

i am moving,

i am moving,

because if i do not move

i do not love,

and isn’t love everything?

— let the mountains within my heart move, for once

//

// Amanda Helm //

``

1 last week of holidays and i just realised i still have photos from my phone and SD card to clear... AND i still haven't got to edit my videos from Japan because it is too much for movie maker to handle.......... sigh what do. I'd like more time to read things that aren't so... dry (coughsclockworkcoughscoughsorange) :-(