// i wanna watch it all as it turns into a circus
does it have a purpose?
rn as i am typing i just had christmas coffee @ 9pm so i am pumped full of energy and this will probably be incoherent and over emotional but... i haven't written in so long (thank goodness i have this space) ((and i don't think anyone reads this)) i have been anxious, jittery and confused the whole day because oh goodness i screwed up at work although i don't think anything job-threatening or deathly will happen to me but i cannot help feeling guilty and i have kind of resigned to it (but also in denial). That aside, every time i meet that same street busker who plays his.. organ (instrument?) he makes me feel excessively and think excessively. I wish i could just forget things as i please and very unfortunately this only happens to amath and chemistry and never the things i wish could leave me the instant i wish it away. When is it my turn i get to be manja and not 24/7/365 cheerful and happy-go-lucky as i am expected to lolol????
// yeah, i swear i'm gonna cry
i'm sick of tryin' to be tough
It has been about 6 months and i still want to disappear or melt into the ground or disappear completely into thin air. I have plenty to feel happy about:
- I was born into a Christian environment and went to Christian schools for 10 years of my life
- I have a house to live in and can afford air conditioning which is a privilege
- My parents are alive and well and healthy and love me enough to give me allowance
- I have 98% freedom given by my parents which is rare for an only child
- I have friends in and out of school, in and out of my age group
- My friends are always here for me esp the best friends
- I have money to blow on clothes, books and overpriced food
- I have text buddies despite my terrible texting etiquette
- I get opportunities to take nice pictures of things/myself
- I have a job
- A job with dogs, all full of love and joy
- I am getting baptised soon
- My Os are over
- I have many activities lined up - student camp, malaysia trip with my friends, christmas bbqs and countdown
- I got my pay
- I cleared my debts (kind of)
- I have a room and a queen sized bed all to myself
- I have a film camera
- I wake up to blue skies (or grey skies and nice weather)
- I have nice curtains
- I have green hair
- I made new friends
- I have a smartphone and a nice cover
- I got a birthstone pendant
- I have specs and contacts
- I have home cooked food and ice cream at home
- I have cable tv so i can watch HK drama
- I have a functioning laptop
- I have a photo exhibition coming up
- I graduated even though i am not that hardworking
- I am too blessed to be stressed
- I have texting buddies/friends overseas that care enough to get me stuff from overseas
- I have a starbucks card
- I have nice shoes that fit me
- I have comfy socks
- I have everything i need even though i don't have everything i want
... so tell me why i cannot feel the happiness when i know it is there for me to grab; i'm not even upset because i didn't get the shorts i wanted from runway bandits and was put on the waiting list twice or because i earn significantly lesser than my other friends. Or how i am so short and will probably never grow any taller fml hahahaha. I will never understand how i am contented, satisfied and so unhappy at the same time. (and how it only ever happens at night) ((in my house)) (((is it just my room?))) wow i wish i could just be crazy the whole day and be as un-sober as i am outside when i am around people. Maybe i should convince my mum to let me keep a hamster again before i go cray from my own company. Last month, i caught myself dancing in the november rain while walking home one night. It was great.
// so save me and tell me how
it all got so doubtful
These four walls will drive me crazy soon; then again i prefer to be alone at home and at anytime there is someone in the house i feel 100% uncomfortable and restless (but i also want someone to be at home with me on the couch, on the floor, in the kitchen baking, on my bed reading) ((someone i can come home to)) (((someone i can cry on))) ((((christmas season and sweater weather feels goodness ew)))) And then again i am doing fine being alone at home because if there was someone in the house it will restrict my freedom clothes wise. (((((hello xinni can you pls decide))))) Thankfully i have somehow grown to love my own company in the past few months and yay me bc i can take long bus rides and go to malls alone without feeling like all the people around me are out to kill me; and this is especially so with my green hair lmao.
// i really want to go to bed
with a feeling in my chest
like i lost again
nut this time for the best
Everything is wrong and was wrong from the start xinni why xinni pls. Man i need some time out but every place i am likely to go to is stained with a different somebody. I don't know how i can miss a class from 4 years ago or people from 6 years ago. I don't know how i can miss or think of anybody at all even after a year. I think the older something is to me the more i cling to it, which is either a good or terrible thing depending on the other half because some are just not into the past. Perhaps passwords are the best indicators of what is(are) the most important to us. I don't know how i can smell something or hear a song and remember stuff that happened years ago. Maybe they should allow me to take Os after several years hahahahaha.
// fate will rule you, the heart
it fools you to lose your sanity
Some days i want to listen to music all day and take buses to nowhere. Some days i want to read books and lay in bed all day. Some days i want to stay up all night listening to music. Some days i want to read and listen to poetry slam the whole night. Some days i want to dance to the radio all day. Some days i want to leave my hair in hair dye for hours. Some days i want to eat subway/splurge unnecessarily on food. Some days i want to loiter around and never return home. Some days i want to lie on the floor and never get up. Some days, i don't. Some days, i don't sleep until 3 or 4. Some days i drink coffee at 9pm. Some days, i can't. Some days, i write incoherently. I wish i could write.
``
|| “I didn’t kill myself
when things went wrong
I didn’t turn
to drugs or teaching
I tried to sleep
but when I couldn’t sleep
I learned to write
I learned to write
what might be read
on nights like this
by one like me”
— Leonard Cohen, from “The Only Poem”
|| “I didn’t kill myself
when things went wrong
I didn’t turn
to drugs or teaching
I tried to sleep
but when I couldn’t sleep
I learned to write
I learned to write
what might be read
on nights like this
by one like me”
— Leonard Cohen, from “The Only Poem”
``
// 如果有一天我回到从前 回到最原始的我, 你是否会觉得我不错?
// 如果有一天我回到从前 回到最原始的我, 你是否会觉得我不错?
I wish i could work for longer hours so i don't have time to think so much. ??????Why do i think so much even?????? I wish i was one who could let go of things permanently and never think the best of human beings because they always disappoint; in fact we always disappoint. Maybe if i was more cynical it'd be better. Maybe if i had more faith in my own capabilities things would work out bc i always feel overshadowed and just give things up just because (i mean, have you seen my friends goodness they are bril). What happens when you can forgive just about anyone and everyone but yourself? Nobody ever teaches us what to do when you cannot forgive yourself.
I want to sleep and forget about everything.
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